When I first gave the keys to my heart to King Jesus years ago, I found myself at the altar every week. I never missed an altar call. I knelt at the hypothetical "foot of the cross" thinking of all the wrongs I had done that week. Every negative thought flooded my mind, all of my disappointing actions would flash like violent strikes of lightning whipping against my fragile defenses. I would sit there and weep. Completely tormented. I would get up at the end of the prayer on shaky limbs, hoping against hope that I'd be able to "be good" this week. However, the very next week I'd be right back, promising God to recommit my life to Him if only He'd consider forgiving me so I could be in good standing with Him again. I knelt at God's feet begging Him to forgive me, never realizing that it was me, I was the one who couldn't forgive myself.

Well, here's a freeing thought, God does not expect you to be perfect. A little louder for the people in the back, GOD DOES NOT EXPECT YOU TO BE PERFECT. Never. Not ever.

If you're anything like me you grew up in the heart of church where sayings like "grace upon grace" or "thank God for His grace and mercy" were the background music to your life for most, if not all of your life. Like many, I was raised with the knowledge that God, this mystical being who sits in heaven with the earth as His footstool, provides grace. It was an unmovable fact, nailed down in the back of my mind. A fact, that I'd heard millions of times and I'd even occasionally dredge it up whenever I was feeling especially, "churchy". In my experiences God's grace was usually elaborated on during testimony time when someone had a near-death car accident, or when a check that should have bounced, cleared lol. It seems in church we had been taught to expound to no end about God's goodness, mercy, and grace without ever really grasping the true depth of this dynamic gift we all have been given. I say this without judgment because as you may be able to tell I have also struggled with understanding and accepting God's free and freeing gift; grace.

I find myself guilty of the same charge that I have given those "churchy folks". In my quiet time, I often pray to God as "The Giver of Grace" because my Christian knowledge tells me to do so. Yet still, this knowledge for the longest time couldn't save me from overwhelming feelings of self-loathing, and the inability to forgive myself whenever I made a mistake.

As a result, I always reverted to what I like to call the Adam and Eve Syndrome, wherein my mess I hid from God and even from myself. In many instances, I was so disgusted and disappointed in myself that I couldn't even pray. Full transparency, there were moments where I told God point-blank to give up on me. I was exhausted with my own vain efforts to be right, to be good and perfect. There were nights when I cried myself to sleep begging God to agree that I was a lost cause.

But… here's something I have learned recently, accepting God's grace is the ticket to living free.

In those moments, I could not forgive myself because I simply could not fathom that God could forgive me over and over and over again. This was because I viewed God's grace from the very limited perspective of human grace. Yeah, maybe He'd forgive me once or twice, here and there and certainly when I really didn't mean to commit the offense. Of course, because our God is merciful, right? But what about when it wasn't an accident, rather, it was a mistake? Can or will God forgive me then? By definition an accident is unintentional, but a mistake on the other hand can be very, very intentional and if my life's record was keeping score it would look something like Accidents:1,032 vs. Mistakes 1,264,848,939,373,373, and I'd be willing to argue that is how it is for most, if not all of us. We fail God daily and often intentionally and it's a painful truth.

It's funny because now, at this moment I can envision my Heavenly Father looking down at me with love pouring out of His soul, and with His resounding voice vibrating to the depths of the earth, He says, "NEVER! "For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future""( Jeremiah 29:11). To think that while I was tearing myself to shreds my God, my ABBA was singing this song over my soul... and this, folks is the grace of God. Beloved, for your accidents, there is grace. For your mistakes, there is grace. Our Heavenly Father promised us that His grace and mercies are new every single morning. God's grace is big enough for your screw-ups, every single one. Ask yourself. Could it be possible that a God who knows all, the past, the present, and the future could be taken off guard by your accidents or mistakes? Or is it more likely that The Great I Am knew every single misstep and road bump you'd encounter before the beginning of time and in His infinite love for you He made provisions for each one?

God loves you. He loves you so much the He has gone into the depths of time to ensure that you win. Our Heavenly Father has rigged the game in our favor by providing us with His Forever Grace. Most clearly shown in His unshakable, unmovable, unchanging, endless love towards us, demonstrated in Jesus's arrival, life, death, and resurrection solely for our salvation.

Now, it's important to know that God's grace does not endorse intentional lifestyles of sin, negate the need for repentance, or in some cases rid of us dealing with the realistic and practical consequences of our actions. Rather, it simply says that when we do mess up (and we will), like the prodigal's son we can always return home. We can always make the decision to genuinely repent and turn back to our Abba and He will accept us with open arms. We do not have to hold ourselves hostage to our mistakes, we do not have to tear ourselves apart. We can trust that when we sincerely ask God to forgive us He is faithful to forgive us (1 John 1:9), and as a result, we can forgive ourselves.

As Christians, it's time for us to transition from knowing of God's grace to truly believing and accepting His grace for what it is, "the unmerited favor of God". It's time to live free from shame, regret, guilt, and grief because we can be certain that our Heavenly Father has provided us the grace we need for every instance of our lives.

As I allowed this truth to sink past the surface of my knowledge into the rivers of my understanding and into the depths of my soul, it changed my world. Of course, in true human fashion, my very next course of action was to make a blatant mistake, not an accident (remember, intentional vs. unintentional). Immediately, I was tormented by a familiar cycle of thoughts. "God is fed up with you!", "How are you going to pray now, you think He'll even listen to you?", "You're hopeless." "There isn't enough salvation in the world to save you."

Horrifying, I know and I'll take this moment to say that this is a tactic of our accuser, the evil one, satan. He tempts us and then accuses and torments us. But God, in His infinite love whispered to me, "Turn, turn, just turn. Pray, I am right here with you, come back to me." I wrestled with myself, the evil one, and my ABBA but I eventually said, "what do I have to lose?" And I prayed. No surprise, the evil one continued His torments, "How are you just going to forgive yourself like that? No consequences? This is an abuse of God's grace!" My response was simple, shaky, but simple, Romans 8:33-34 "It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one." In other words, if God has forgiven me there is no one or nothing in all of the universe that can say otherwise. He and He alone has the final say about us and He has already said it, "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus". (Romans 8:1) Once we repent and turn back to Him, God calls us blameless, let that sink in.

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

Beloved, do you hear that? There is nothing absolutely nothing we can do to be separated from God's love. No sin, accident, mistake, imperfection, no one-night stand, no abortion, self-harm, affair, or scandal, "nothing in all of creation". God is not going to change His mind about us and that is the freeing gift of grace.

The Free-ing Gift: Our Struggle To Accept God’s Grace