Creating Healthy Boundaries: The Boundary of Silence

Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a vision or goal, the kind of goal that you hold onto tightly because you're afraid of what everyone will think. Raise your hand if you’ve worried that no one will believe in and support that goal. You question yourself, "should I even share this?" Then somehow you muster up the courage to vocalize your dream to the people you know have your best interest at heart. Yet when you share those desires you find their reaction is not what you hoped it would be. It is not well received and in the end you find yourself feeling overwhelmingly discouraged. Usually, what happens immediately after is:

(a) You are left wondering if you should have said anything at all

or

(b) the worst possible outcome, you begin to wonder if you should be pursuing it in the first place.

Sound familiar? Are you nodding your head in agreement? If you are, that's okay because I am too. We've all been there at one point or another but let me help you before you embark on a never-ending spiral. What I'm about to share with you will not apply to every single person in your life. Nevertheless, it is critical knowledge to have in the process of maturing and creating healthy boundaries.

Please read the next few lines carefully and as many times as needed.

In life, you will come to find that there are some things that you cannot tell others. There are some ideas, dreams, goals, hopes, and visions you have for yourself that you simply cannot share. You MUST learn the boundary of silence.

Plainly said, some people do not have the capacity to dream with you, to hold your dream, believe in your dream, and support your dream. It goes without saying that some of the people in your environment who fall into this category have ill intent for you. This may materialize in the form of jealousy, envy, or constant discouragement. These feelings may stem from their own insecurities, shortcomings, and regret. However, those people aren’t who we’re focused on today. Instead, I want to talk about the people in your life who genuinely love, care and want what's best for you, but still do not support your dreams.

Believe it or not, there is a science to this. Every person on the face of this very large earth uses something called "schemas". What are schemas? You might ask. No worries, I've got you. Every person you've ever met, known, had a conversation, feud, or brief interaction with has formed a schema about you. This is a concept that stems from the world of psychology and behavioral sciences. Schemas are the profiles we create about others in our minds. It's how we categorize people and things and if you think about it, human beings categorize everything. We formulate profiles, labels, and classifications for everything and everyone. We do this to process, understand, and believe what we have assessed as truth. In other words, it is our way of making sense of the world around us.This psychological concept usually plays out in our subconscious minds without our awareness or consent and plays a vital role in our perception of our environments and people.

The problem with schemas, however, is that human beings are not one- dimensional, we, you, and I are all multidimensional beings. What we see about someone or even experience in them will never be all that they are. You can live with someone for an entire lifetime and not fully know them, and certainly not know the maximum of their potential for better or for worse.

Schemas become dangerous when we become so beholden to the perceptions we have about those around us that we fail to leave room for their possibilities. Schemas are damaging when our limited view of a person harbors no space for the parts of them that doesn't meet the eye, the parts that we have not seen because it has not been unlocked. When we do this, we place these individuals in a box of our own making. This is often the reason that when we share our dreams with those around us our enthusiasm and confidence is not reciprocated. These people may have good or even the best intentions but they are just not able to see you in the way that you know in your heart that you're capable of being.

Beloved, hear me clearly, someone can love you to death and yet place you in the box of their very limited imagination, a box so small that they do not have room for who you are becoming. But, you do not have to stay there.

This leads back to my original point, there will be some things that you'll have to keep to yourself, things that you work on in silence, go forward without the opinions of an audience, and certainly without their approval. Besides, some people will never approve of what you've been called to do. Make your peace with this.

The bright side to this is there will be some in your circle who will not be able to see the vision you have for yourself but will truly believe that if you set your mind to it, it is possible for you. Those conversations usually sound like, "Although I did not see you taking this route, I support you." These people are gems and certainly should be kept around. Down the line, there will be some who see your success and say, "To think I didn't believe in you! I'm sorry." The reality is this will be few and far between, so don’t hold your breath lol. Lastly, some will bandwagon, and once you've succeeded they will act as if you've had their support from the very beginning. Don't even sweat it, Beloved.

The truth of it is, we will often be confronted with this issue in regards to the people closest to us, people who have known us the longest and the most. For example, our parents, siblings, friends, co-workers, etc. Sometimes we connect with others in a season of unlearning and becoming. Unfortunately, those people can become stuck in expecting you to be who you have always been without leaving room for you to evolve or discover something new about yourself. This does not mean that you have to cut them out of your life, but perhaps, limit their access to your dreams. Create healthy and necessary boundaries and limitations on who you invite on your journey to the actualization of your vision and dreams.

My highest hope is that you will have people around you who truly support your beautiful visions and goals. However, I pray that even if you don't have that support you will decide to pursue it anyway and protect those dreams along the way. Remember, not everyone can be present for the planning stages, some will only show up for the party.